The birds have to use pot-holders to pull worms out of the ground.
 
The trees are whistling for the dogs.
 
The best parking place is determined by shade instead of distance.
 
Hot water now comes out of both taps.
 
You can make sun tea instantly.
 
You learn that a seat belt buckle makes a pretty good branding iron.
 
The temperature drops below 95 F (35 C) and you feel a little chilly.
 
You discover that it only takes 2 fingers to steer your car.
 
You discover that you can get sunburned through your car window.
 
You actually burn your hand opening the car door.
 
You break into a sweat the instant you step outside at 7:30 a.m.
 
Your biggest bicycle wreck fear is, “What if I get knocked out and end up
 lying on the pavement and cook to death?”
 
You realize that asphalt has a liquid state.
 
The potatoes cook underground, so all you have to do is pull one out and add
 butter, salt and pepper.
 
Farmers are feeding their chickens crushed ice to keep them from laying
 boiled eggs.
 
The cows are giving evaporated milk.
.

These summer time blahs, sure have sapped me of drive and ambition.  Yesterday, was a lot nicer day as the air was cooler and we enjoyed a gentle breeze.  Also I have some great friends that send me excellent e-mail messages.  One of those friends is Roy.  He is a very special friend.  He recently sent the following:

One Sunday morning, a mother went in to wake her son and tell him it was time to get ready for church, to which he replied, “I’m not going.”

“Why not?” she asked.

I’ll give you two good reasons,” he said. “(1), they don’t like me, and (2), I don’t like them.” 

His mother replied, “I’ll give YOU two good reasons why YOU SHOULD go to church.  (1) You’re 59 years old, and (2) you’re the pastor!”

The Picnic

A Jewish Rabbi and a Catholic Priest met at the town’s annual 4th of July picnic. Old friends, they began their usual banter.

“This baked ham is really delicious,” the priest teased the rabbi. “You really ought to try it. I know it’s against your religion, but I can’t understand why such a wonderful food should be forbidden! You don’t know what you’re missing. You just haven’t lived until you’ve tried Mrs. Hall’s prized Virginia Baked Ham. Tell me, Rabbi, when are you going to break down and try it?”

The rabbi looked at the priest with a big grin, and said, “At your wedding.”

The Usher

An elderly woman walked into the local country church. The friendly usher greeted her at the door and helped her up the flight of steps,  “Where would you like to sit?” he asked politely.

“The front row please,” she answered.

“You really don’t want to do that,” the usher said “The pastor is really boring.”

“Do you happen to know who I am?” the woman inquired.

“No.” he said.

“I’m the pastor’s mother,” she replied indignantly.

“Do you know who I am?” he asked.

“No.” she said.

“Good,” he answered.

Show and Tell

A kindergarten teacher gave her class a “show and tell” assignment.  Each student was instructed to bring in an object to share with the class that represented their religion. The first student got up in front of the class and said, “My name is Benjamin and I am Jewish and this is a Star of David..”

The second student got up in front of the class and said, “My name is Mary. I’m a Catholic and this is a Rosary.”

The third student got in up front of the class and said, “My name is Tommy. I am Methodist, and this is a casserole.”

The Best Way To Pray

A priest, a minister and a guru sat discussing the best positions for prayer, while a telephone repairman worked nearby.

“Kneeling is definitely the best way to pray,” the priest said.

“No,” said the minister. “I get the best results standing with my hands outstretched to Heaven.”

“You’re both wrong,” the guru said. “The most effective prayer position is lying down on the floor.”

The repairman could contain himself no longer. “Hey, fellas,” he interrupted. “The best prayin’ I ever did was when I was hangin’ upside down from a telephone pole.”

The Twenty and the One

A well-worn one-dollar bill and a similarly distressed twenty-dollar bill arrived at a Federal Reserve Bank to be retired. As they moved along the conveyor belt to be burned, they struck up a conversation.  The twenty-dollar bill reminisced about its travels all over the country.

“I’ve had a pretty good life,” the twenty proclaimed. “Why I’ve been to Las Vegas and Atlantic City , the finest restaurants in New York , performances on Broadway, and even a cruise to the Caribbean “

“Wow!” said the one-dollar bill. “You’ve really had an exciting life!”

“So tell me,” says the twenty, “where have you been throughout your lifetime?”

The one dollar bill replies, “Oh, I’ve been to the Methodist Church , the Baptist Church , the Lutheran Church .”

The twenty-dollar bill interrupts, “What’s a church?”

Goat for Dinner

The young couple invited their elderly pastor for Sunday dinner. While they were in the kitchen preparing the meal, the minister asked their son what they were having. “Goat,” the little boy replied.

“Goat?” replied the startled man of the cloth, “Are you sure about that?”

“Yep,” said the youngster. “I heard Dad say to Mom, ‘Today is just as good as any to have the old goat for dinner.”

.

This one came from Connie, who I also call my maybe cousin.  We both have Rowes (earlier was Rau), in her case Roes in our family trees.  Probably means nothing, but we like to think it might.  Connie has a great sense of humor and sends along a lot of good e-mails.  Here is her most recent message:

“Walking To School The First Day Back” by Misty Bus

“The Day the Car Pool Forgot Me” by I. Rhoda Bike

“Can’t See The Chalkboard” by Sidney Backrow

“Practical Jokes I Played On The First Day Of School” by Major Crackupp

“What I Dislike About Returning To School” by Mona Lott

“Making It Through the First Week Of School” by Gladys Saturday

“Is Life Over When Summer Ends?” by Midas Welbee

“What I Love About Returning To School” by I.M. Kidding

“Will Jimmy Finally Graduate?” by I. Betty Wont

“What Happens When You Get Caught Skipping School” by U. Will Gettitt
.

Written  by a third grader, on what his grandparents  do.

After  Christmas, a teacher asked her young pupils how they spent their holiday away  from school. One child wrote the  following:

We  always used to spend the holidays with Grandma and Grandpa.  They used to  live in a big brick house, but Grandpa got retarded and they moved to Arizona .   Now they live in a tin box and have rocks painted green to look like  grass.  They ride around on their bicycles, and wear name tags, because  they don’t know who they are anymore.  They go to a building called a  wreck center, but they must have got it fixed because it is all okay now, they  do exercises there, but they don’t do them very well.  There is a  swimming pool too, but they all jump up and down in it with hats on.  At  their gate, there is a doll house with a little old man sitting in it.   He watches all day so nobody can escape.  Sometimes they sneak out,  and go cruising in their golf carts.  Nobody there cooks, they just eat  out.  And, they eat the same thing every night–early birds.    Some of the people can’t get out past the man in the doll house.   The ones who do get out, bring food back to the wrecked center for pot  luck.  My Grandma says that Grandpa worked all his life to earn his  retardment and, says I should work hard so I can be retarded someday too.    When I earn my retardment, I want to be the man in the doll house.    Then I will let people out, so they can visit their  grandchildren.

Can you relate to this?

I love those letter strings we have to enter to post comments on our bud’s blogs.  These are supposed to be random letter groups.  In fact, they are frequently words.  Sometimes those words are not in common usage, nevertheless, they are words.  Here are some that I have seen in the past month.

Anion – Did you see this on Jeopardy?  The correct response was, “What is a hydrogen molecule without its electron?” 

Bodaberi – This is the fruit of the Boda Tree.

Honess – What they call the gal who sharpens knives.

Lewtomb – Where Lew is buried.

Lomessen – Just down the road from Highmessen.

Mistin – What you say when the fallin rain is very light and seems to float in the air.

Tameta – With baken and letus makes a grate sandwitch.

As usually happens, there were some words that seem familiar, but I can’t recall what they mean and the dictionary is on the other side of the room.  Can you help me with these?  Please.

Datical –

Lefect –

Phause – 
 

From time to time I like to post some of the interesting items that make their way to my e-mail inbox.  This item came from my best friend in High School.  Mel also introduced me to a very charming young gal (the delightful and lovely Miss Sylvia) and he stood beside me when I married her four years later.  Here’s what he sent:

1. HOW DO YOU DECIDE WHO TO MARRY? 

-You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming. — Alan, age 10

-No person really decides before they grow up who they’re going to marry. God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who you’re stuck with. — Kristen, age 10

 
2.  WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED? 

Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by then.  — Camille, age 10
 

3. HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF 2 PEOPLE ARE MARRIED?
You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids. — Derrick, age 8

4.  WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MOM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON? 

Both don’t want any more kids. — Lori, age 8

5. WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE? 

-Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough. — Lynnette, age 8 (isn’t she a treasure)

-On the first date, they just tell each other lies and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date. — Martin, age 10

6.  WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE? 

-When they’re rich. — Pam, age 7

-The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn’t want to mess with that. – – Curt, age 7

-The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should marry them and have kids with them. It’s the right thing to do. — Howard, age 8

7. IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED? 

It’s better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need someone to clean up after them. — Anita, age 9 (bless you child )

8. HOW WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT IF PEOPLE DIDN’T GET MARRIED? 

There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn’t there? — Kelvin, age 8

And the #1 Favorite is ………

9. HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK?

Tell your wife that she looks pretty, even if she looks like a dump truck . — Ricky , age 10.