Category Archives: humor

Helpful Management Tip

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I don’t normally cover topics like this.  It has been more than a decade since I’ve held a management position.  I was going through old files the other day.  In that process, several important documents caught my eye.  Here’s one that I’d like to share with you today.

Employees (spouses and children too) often find themselves in the position of wanting to give an excuse.  This can take a lot of a manager’s valuable time.  You can ease this by making a numbered list of common excuses.  That way the employee (spouse or child) only has to say the number.  Transaction complete and everyone can get back to work.

Here is an example of one such list.  I had this posted beside my office door.

  1. That’s the way we’ve always done it.
  2. I didn’t know you were in a hurry for it.
  3. That’s not in my department.
  4. No one told me to go ahead.
  5. I’m waiting for an okay.
  6. How did I know this was different?
  7. That’s her (his) job not mine.
  8. Wait ’til the boss comes back and ask him (her).
  9. I forgot.
  10. I didn’t think it was very important.
  11. I’m so busy I just can’t get around to it.
  12. I thought I told you.
  13. I wasn’t hired for that.

You’ll want to create a list that covers your situation.  You’ll be pleased with all the time this will save you at home or at work.

E-Mail Diary ~ Very Punny

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My e-mail buddy and friend from church, Wendi, sent this to me recently.  Lots of laughs here.
PUNS FOR THE EDUCATED MIND

1. The fattest knight at King Arthur’s round table was Sir Cumference.
He acquired his size from too much pi.

2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out
to be an optical Aleutian.

3. She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.

4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class, because it
was a weapon of math disruption.

5. No matter how much you push the envelope, it’ll still be stationery.

6. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for
littering.

7. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum
Blownapart.

8. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.

9. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall.. The police are
looking into it.

10. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

11. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

12. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to
the other: ‘You stay here; I’ll go on a head.’

13.. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.

14. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: ‘Keep off the
Grass.’

15. The midget fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium
at large.

16. The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned
veteran.

17. A backward poet writes inverse.

18. In a democracy it’s your vote that counts. In feudalism it’s your
count that votes.

19. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.

20. If you jumped off the bridge in Paris, you’d be in Seine.

21. A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The
stewardess looks at him and says, ‘I’m sorry, sir, only one carrion
allowed per passenger.’

22. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. One turns to the other and
says ‘Dam!’

23. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in
the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can’t
have your kayak and heat it too.

24. Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says, ‘I’ve lost my electron.’ The
other says ‘Are you sure?’ The first replies, ‘Yes, I’m positive.’

25. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root
canal? His goal: transcend dental medication.

26. There was the person who sent ten puns to friends, with the hope
that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.

E-Mail Diary ~ The Pastor’s Cat

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Wendi is a friend from church.  She regularly sends me humorous e-mail messages that tickle my my funny bone.  Here is one she sent recently.  I hope you enjoy it.

There was a church pastor who had a kitten.  On day that kitten climbed up a tree in his backyard and then was afraid to come down.  The pastor coaxed, offered warm milk, etc.

The kitty would not come down.

The tree was not sturdy enough to climb, so the pastor decided that if he tied a rope to his car and pulled it until the tree bent down, he could then reach up and get the kitten.

That’s what he did, all the while checking his progress in the car.

He then figured if he went just a little bit further, the tree would be bent sufficiently for him to reach the kitten.  But as he moved the car a little further forward, the rope broke.

The tree went ‘boing!’ and the kitten instantly sailed through the air–out of sight.

The pastor felt terrible. He walked all over the neighborhood asking people if they’d seen a little kitten.  No.  Nobody had seen a stray kitten.

So he prayed, ‘Lord, I just commit this kitten to your keeping,’ and went on about his business.

A few days later he was at the grocery store, and met one of his church members. He happened to look into her shopping cart and was amazed to see cat food.

This woman was a known cat hater and everyone knew it, so he asked her, ‘Why are you buying cat food when you hate cats so much?’  She replied, ‘You won’t believe this,’ and then told him how her little girl had been begging her for a cat, but she kept refusing.

Then a few days before, the child had begged again, so the Mom finally told her little girl, ‘Well, if God gives you a cat, I’ll let you keep it.’  She told the pastor, ‘I watched my child go out in the yard, get on her knees, and ask God for a cat.  And really, Pastor, you won’t believe this, but I saw it with my own eyes.  A kitten suddenly came flying out of the blue sky, with its paws outspread, and landed right in front of her.’

Lesson learned:  Never underestimate the Power of God and His unique sense of humor.

Verifications Words

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First a Falcon Update: Last night the Falcons suffered their first regular season defeat in conference play.  They lost to a very strong Hudsonville Eagles team 14 to 2.  Briana scored both of the Falcons goals.  She was not smiling like she is in the photo.  They play again Thursday evening.

Verification Words

Don’t you love those strings of letters you have to enter to file a comment on some blogs?  I do!  They are fun!  Recently, I’ve encountered real words like Locos, Retie and Slush (not that I like to be reminded of winter).  What about those other seemingly meaningless strings?  Could they be code words?  It is possible.

Here are some verification “words” that I’ve been asked to enter and what I think they mean:

Abless – The noun form means a capable female.  The adjective refers to one like me who has an absence of visible abs.

Dinglet – This is what your car received the other day in the parking lot.

Hagical – Having to do with an old witch.

Ovaly – Describes motion in an egg-shaped pattern.

Repolog – The records of a repo man.

Subbloc – A device that prevents submarines from entering a harbor.  Alternatively, it is a means of securing a deli sandwich from would-be raiders.

Testit – What you do with a mechanism after you have fixed it.

Wifine – Excellent wireless communication for your lap-top computer.

Here’s one that I was not sure about.  Can you help?

Redrates

What do you think it means?  Did I get any of the others wrong?  I really would like your help.  Please.

Verification Words

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You see them everyday.  They are those [supposedly] nonsense words you enter in the verification box when you file a comment on someone’s blog.  Did you ever notice how many of those random-letter strings form actual words?  Here are some more of the recent examples that I’ve come across in wanderings through the blogosphere.
Entscry – If you are a Lord of the Rings fan, you know this is the sound of the keepers of the woods.  They only speak when they are angry.
 
Laggogre – To follow after or come behind the monster.
 
Leratio – An old French word that means proportion.
 
Mathr – The mate of your fathr.
 
Mondes – The days that come before twosdes.
 
Replize – Answers back.
 

Sallyspc – What Sally uses to read your blog and write her own.

Flamici – I need help with this one.  What do you think it means?  Did I miss something on any of the other words?

House Finch

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These finch-size birds are year-round denizens of this area.  A pair of them nest near my office window.  I can frequently hear their lovely song.

House Finch
Are you a sparrow?
No, there’s your mate clad in red.
Oh, how sweet your song.

Why is it that the males of the bird family tend to be the pretty ones?  We humans do it the other way — beautiful females and plain males.

One explanation is that the creator did that for a reason.  According to one account Adam asked God, “Why did you make Eve so beautiful.”  God replied, “So that you would love her Adam.”  Then Adam asked, “But why did you make her so dumb?”  And God replied, “So that she would love you.”

What do you think?

Verification Words

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I am frequently amused by the verification words that appear when I file comments on some of your blogs. For that reason, I like to collect them and share them with you.  Most of the following came from January of this year:
Snoli – Describes the way we move in waist-deep snow.

Rebil – What you do when the customer loses the invoice.

Pernil – According to nothing. (In Spanish it means roast pork. Yum.)

Paperier – A French stationery seller.

Sisessa – Informal reference to the nun named, Essa.

Catious – The way felines behave.

Bramato – I’m stuck here. Can you help? Or did I miss the meaning on any other entry in this list?

Verification Words ~ January Edition

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It’s time to look once more at the curious verification words that you might see when you file a comment on your blogger bud’s blog. Here are some that I saw last month and the meanings that I think they have — or should have:

Couricat – The first part of the e-mail address for a certain news anchor at CBS.

Diantut – This is the user name for Pharoh’s daughter named, Dianne.

Loanden – Whan you do when a friend wants to borrow the services of your brother, dennis, to help her move.

Madio – This is the medium with the angry talk-show hosts.

Packem – What you do to your bags when you are getting ready to leave on an extended trip.

Trobl – What I frequently get into when I engage my mouth before my brain.

Waystra – Must be a west Michigan politician, or possibly a used-car salesman.

Wisedly – This refers to how the owls act.

And now here’s one I saved for you. What do you think it means?

Pranite – ?

Monday ~ What’s that? A Cat?

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There are so many things in this world that I don’t understand. Can you figure what’s going on in this gal’s mind? Please help me out here folks.

Leave a comment with your thoughts. No contest. No prizes just some fun for all of us and a chance for you to showcase your wit. Thanks.