A commenter on yesterday’s post asked about our secret for being happily married after 48 years. There are two factors, but first some background.

We had a lot going for us. We grew up in similar homes with similar values. Sylvia might have been the girl next door, but for the fact that we grew up in different communities. If we had grown up in the same neighborhood, I believe our mothers would have been the best of friends. We had similar religious beliefs, grew up with the same expections. Our families were about the same in terms of economic position. Both of us grew up with a strong work ethic and respect for other people.

Even with that, it was not easy. Then we discovered the roles of love and respect. Discovery was a process. It took time to work our way through to understanding.

A man needs respect. For that reason, I respected my wife. In other words I gave her what I needed. She needs love, so she showered me with love. We were not connecting.

A lot of things began to happen, and we began to change. I was taking the Dale Carnagie Sales Course. They taught me how to pay compliments. (You give a reason so that it is not empty flattery.) I had to work at home and on the job to find things to praise people for and then tell them about it. Alternatively, I could tell an associate who would be sure to pass the compliment along. At home, I began to look at what Sylvia did, the way she dressed, the way she cooked, the things she said, the way she dealt with our sons, etc. When I started looking, I was amazed, she did so many things right. I began to tell her what I was noticing. The way she did her hair was stylish and highlighted her lovely face. The way she talked with each boy every day and spent some special time with them one-on-one. I don’t think there is a better cook in the world. Every day my list of things I liked about her continued to grow. I realized that I loved her more than anything else in the world.

About that same time Sylvia was in a Bible study where they learned that a wife should respect her husband. She started putting that more into practice. (It wasn’t that we didn’t love and respect each other, it just didn’t have much intensity). She began to react to me in a way that made me feel better about me and about her.

Thus started a process of me giving more of the love that she needs, and she giving more of the respect that I need. It was dynamite! It was like falling in love all over again. Our lives were radically transformed. It started with the process of meeting the other’s needs. It continues everyday and to this very day.

— Chuck

In the beginning of this process I remember changing my prayers for Chuck from asking God to change this and that about Chuck to thanking the Lord for my husband’s generosity to me and others, how he always provided for his family by working hard, that he loved me and our sons and was never abusive.

When I was having a rough year at work that demanded a lot of my time until late into the afternoon, he decided to take a pay cut and step down from a supervisory position so he could do his job mostly at home and get supper started most every night—or take me out to eat, which we did more often that year.

We don’t think the same (male and female brains are definitely wired differently), but we have learned to respect each other’s viewpoint and agree to disagree on the small stuff. But each day we show our love thru small, sometimes humorous ways and look for chances to help each other enjoy life.

— Sylvia